In Between III:A Good Roommate is Hard to Find
by Eloise05
Summary: HUMANIZED. Private tries to find a roommate, Kowalski tries to help and Marlene meets Roger.
1. Chapter 1

_**Ricardo "Rico" Fernandez**__: he is the only one still leaving in the HQ (a big, one room apartment with no wall divisions, grey , brick walls and grey floors). He's tall with dark hair and topaz eyes and the usual scar on the left part of his mouth._

_**Steven Davidson a.k.a. Skipper**__: in the beginning he is sharing an apartment with Private. He has brown hair and piercing blue eyes. _

_**Percival "Percy" Smith a.k.a. Private**__: He's the youngest and smallest in the group. Private's love of sewing and making doll's dresses turned into a business and now he owns a clothing store which he manages when he's not with the team. Of British origin, he has light blonde hair, baby blue eyes and freckles. _

_**Jan Kowalski**__: He is gay-married according to NY state law to Francis Blowhole, whit whom he is living. He is of Polish descent, the tallest of the group, blonde and blue eyed. _

_**Marlene Potter**__: She is a very cute, flirty, but zany girl. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes. _

_**Francis Blowhole**__: is Kowalski's life partner (because mad scientist's have to keep together). He has light brown hair, green eyes____and wears an electronic eye patch over his right eye____(which he devised) designed after the shape of his eye and bone structure. (In case you were wondering, no he didn't gave up the Evil business all together)_

_**Julian King**__: He is the owner of the club The Kingdom. He is very tall, thin and likes to wear leather (neah, just joking (or am I?)). He is dark skinned and has amber eyes. _

_Inside the Kingdom Rico and Julian are having a few beers while watching from a distance how Skipper vividly reenacts a story for a girl wearing a fedora. _

**Rico: **Look at our little Skipper making friends.  
**Julian: **Five bucks he's telling her about the time he ran across Eighth Ave. to save that puppy.  
**Rico: **No way. He's telling the story from high school where he picked up that fumble and ran it back for a touchdown. Aaand boom! Football. There it is. Pay up, your majesty!  
**Julian **(_pulls out the money, but takes it away when he sees Skipper cradling an invisible something to his chest_): Hold up. That's a puppy dog. (_then Skipper slams the invisible something on the floor. Both Rico and Julian recoil_)  
**Rico: **Oh! Let's hope it was a football or else we have not heard the complete story about the puppy.  
_Skipper comes over. _  
**Julian: **That girl's super into you, my friend.  
**Skipper: **l know. She even liked my re-enactment of the first scene of Temple of Doom.  
**Rico **(slamming the table): Ah, of course. It's the go-to move.

_The fedora girl comes over. _  
**Skipper: **Oh, hey, uh, guys, this is Andrea.  
**Andrea: **Actually, it's Andrea.  
**Rico: **Andrea?  
**Julian: **Andrea?  
**Andrea; **Andrea. (_they all said it the same_) l'm gonna grab my purse. Don't go anywhere. Boop! (_she boops Skipper's nose. He chuckles awkwardly while she walks away_)  
**Skipper: **l mean, she's totally lame, but super hot, right?

**Julian: **Yeah. You should totally boop that.  
**Skipper: **l'm not ready for a relationship. I'm still getting over the whole Private thing, you know…  
**Rico: **Hey,Nicholas Sparks, no one's talking about a relationship. We're talking about taking Frankie Fedora home, doing some weird stuff and never calling her again.

**Skipper: **I'm not really a one night stand kinda guy.  
**Andrea **(_suddenly appears trying to surprise them_): l'm back!  
**Rico **(_fake laughing_): And you are a gosh darn delight.  
**Andrea: **Skipper, let's get out of here.  
**Skipper: **Um… (_looks at Rico and Julian trying to gage their answer. They nod_) Okay.  
**Andrea: **Yeah. Okay, boop! (_she boops his nose again_ _then grabs Skipper's hand and they both leave_)

**Rico: **l do not understand people that feel the need to express themselves through touching.  
**Julian: **l know, right?

**Rico: **All right, l'm out. (_they hug it out_) All right, l'll see you, buddy. 

_Kowalski's walking down the street, when something attracts his attention. It's a flyer that says "Looking for a roommate? Come have fun with me?" and Private's picture in the middle. _

**Kowalski: **What in Copernicus' name? (_a creepy guy comes and takes one of the slips with Private's number on it)_ Give me that!

_Later in Private's store Kowalski confronts Private about his roommate ad. _  
**Private: **What? l could use extra cash for the store and decided a roommate might be a good idea.  
**Kowalski: **Are you trying to get sold into white slavery and have us go on a rescue mission? (_Private gives him a you're forgetting who you're talking to and you're insulting my skills look_)  
**Private: **Whatever. l'll find someone brilliant and fun, and it'll be okay.  
**Kowalski: **Private, this is a big decision, okay? And you have a terrible habit of always seeing the good in people.  
**Private: **l'm not sure that's a bad habit.  
**Kowalski: **What l'm trying to say is you're not the best judge of character. 

**-FLASHBACK-**

_At Skipper and Private's apartment (when it still was Skipper and Private's apartment). Private's talking and laughing with a creepy guy _

_**Private : **__That's crazy. (giggles)_

_Skipper enters. _  
_**Private: **__Oh, Skipper, this is Zane. He just moved into the building. He's introducing himself to all the neighbors. (Skipper chuckles) _  
_**Zane: **__Legally, l have to. (Skipper glares at him)_

**-FLASHBACK-**

**Kowalski: **Would you like me to help you find a roommate?

**Private** (_exasperated_): Kowalski, l can handle this.  
**Kowalski: **l could make…

**Private: **Kowalski!

**Kowalski: **Okay.

_In the HQ Rico and Julian are watching football while Marlene is watching them bored. _  
**Rico **(shouting at the TV): Man! Stop him!  
**Julian: **Stop!  
**Rico: **Maaan!

_Marlene comes over and interposes herself between them and the TV. _

**Marlene: ** No football. Okay, come on, Rico. Let's go to the farmer's market. There's a trunk show at Shoe La La and then we can brunch it up.  
**Rico: **That day you just described is worse than Pearl Harbor…the movie.  
**Marlene **(_disappointed_): You're the worst gay husband ever.  
**Rico **(_in a stereotypical gay voice with a lisp_): l don't see no ring on this finger, girlfriend.  
**Marlene: **What's Kowalski doing?

**Rico:**It's the weekend. He's relaxing.  
_This is Kowalski relaxing. In a store talking to the manager_

**Kowalski: **Just a pitch. Wouldn't it be easier to find these stackables if they were in the shelving section? l know what you're thinking. "ls this guy questioning the organization of a store whose sole purpose is to help people organize?" (_he chuckles then seriously_)Yes.  
**Marlene: **Fine. Stupid football.

_Skipper enters. _  
**Skipper **(_pretty happy about himself_): Whoo! Raise your hand if you got laid last night. (_all three raise their hands_) Really?

**Julian: **Yeah. Being in the clubbing business helps with that.  
**Marlene: **l slept with my allergist.  
**Rico: **Confused college student.  
**Skipper: **Ugh, l'm not gonna lie. You guys are kind of stealing my thunder.  
**Marlene: **No, Skipper. Good for you. Are you gonna see her again?

**Skipper:** l don't know. She wore a fedora in bed.  
**All three: **Ew.  
**Skipper: **l probably should call her.  
**Marlene: **No. (_Julian shakes his head_)  
**Rico: **That is breaking the first rule of one night stands.

**Marlene: **Yeah, themost I get is a text. Although last week I got a shoutout on a guy;s Twitter. And Lil' Wayne follows him so fingers crossed for a re-Tweet.  
**Skipper: **l don't wanna be a bad guy. So l'm just gonna give her a call. (_picks up his phone_)  
**Rico: **Don't do that.  
**Marlene: ** l wouldn't call her.

**Julian: **No, nope.  
**Skipper: **She's gonna flip out. (_Andrea picks up_) Oh, hey. Andrea.  
**Rico: **There it is.  
**Skipper **(_tries to correct the way he says her name but it comes out the same_): Andrea. Sorry. l was just calling to say thank you for last night, it… Breakfast?

**Julian: **No.  
**Skipper: **Um, okay, sure. (_Marlene mouths 'what?" at him_) Yeah, l can be there in 15 minutes.  
**Rico: **Nooo. (_throws the chips he's eating at Skipper_)  
**Skipper **(_making his way to the door_): Guys, relax. It's just an hour. l'll be back and we'll watch football.

_12 Hours later, Rico, Julian and Marlene are sleeping around the HQ. Skipper enters slamming the door and waking them. _  
**Marlene: **Skipper, where have you been?

**Skipper **(_angry_): Guys, it's all a blur. (_he's pacing in front of them_) We went to eat crepes which led to a walk by the lake. Then we went to look for a book on dreams. By the way Marlene that nightmare where you're playing underwater Frisbee is totally about your fear of marrying a bald guy.

**Marlene: **I knew it!

**Skipper:**After that, we went to her apartment to feed her bird. That's right, guys. She's got a bird. Then we watched all of her dance videos from high school through college because she's auditioning for Keisha's world tour.  
**Julian and Rico:** It's Kesha.  
**Skipper**: Guys, what am l gonna do?

**Marlene: **lf you don't wanna see her again, you tell her. Be an adult and have the conversation.  
**Rico: **No! No!

**Julian: **Yeah, right.  
**Rico: **The conversation sucks.  
**Skipper: **You're right. l am an adult and l'm gonna handle this like an adult. l'm gonna take a shower and march myself down there We're gonna have a conversation. 

_The next day at Darla's Private is laughing with a young, cute, innocent looking redheaded guy. Kowalski, Rico, Marlene and Julian enter. _  
**Private: **Guys, hey. This is Sam. He might be my new roommate. (_shows the application Sam submitted;_ _to Sam_)We'll be in touch.  
**Sam: **Yes.  
**Private: **Okay, great.  
**Sam: **Bye.  
**Private: **Bye. (_Sam leaves_) Doesn't he seem great? His hair is amazing.  
**Kowalski: **Yeah. Does his hair have a social security number you can run a credit check on? How about his references? How much money does he make? What do you know about him?

**Private: **He likes vampire books. And Beyonce.  
**Rico: **You knowl have a 13-year-old cousin in Tallahassee that's thinking about running away from home. Maybe he'd make a good roommate for you.  
**Private **(_sad now_): Okay. (_they go to sit down_)  
**Julian: **We're all gonna have to hang out with whoever you choose, Private. So why don't you pick someone fun? Like a fighter pilot. Or that Scooter Alvarez guy.  
**Marlene: **Oh, you know who you should get is a real gay guy. (_Kowalski, Rico and Private look a bit offended by her remark_) Come on. You're all straight dudes who happen to like dudes. l want a gay who will watch house flipping shows with me and grab my boobs in a platonic way.  
**Rico: **So you want a stereotypically flamboyant, cartoonish, Sex in the City gay? That's offensive.  
**Marlene: **The heart wants what the heart wants.

**Private: **Guys we're talking about my roommate here.

**Kowalski **(_looking at Sam's application_)**: **Well, your roommate Sam has had six jobs in six years. Seems flighty. What happens if he can't make rent? Or if he kills you?

**Private: **Okay, you're being paranoid. Which isn't your thing, it's Skipper's.

**Kowalski: **Am I?Look. You only ever lived with the team. A lot goes into making this decision.  
**Private: **Well, l guess l didn't totally think of all that.  
**Kowalski: **But l did. And judging people comes so easy for me. (_Marlene and Rico nod on the down low_) Which is why you should let me help you.  
**Private **(_giving up_): Okay, fine. You can help. But you're not gonna come in and take over everything and get all Kowalski on me, are you?

**Kowalski: **Of course not.

_In Private's store. _  
**Kowalski **(_excitedly_): l've got some great roommate choices. (_holding out a binder for Private to see_) Like William. He's a marine biologist and notary public which means he can teach you about plankton and also witness the signing of important documents.  
**Private **(_sarcastically_): Sounds like such fun. But l can't do this right now, Kowalski.  
**Kowalski: **Okay, okay. How about Jesse. l mean, he's an agoraphobic and a vegan, which means he will never leave his room or eat your cheese. You love your cheese

_Marlene steps out of a dressing room. _

**Marlene: **What do you guys think of this dress?... And no one cares.

_Rico enters followed by Roger. _  
**Rico: **Marlene!  
**Roger: **Girl, that dress looks delish! What? Things that make you go .

**Marlene **(_giggles_): Gracias! Rico, who is this fine man?

**Rico: **Marlene, l'd like you to meet Roger. The team got him out of a nasty situation. Thought you might get along.  
**Roger: **P.S. four guys in my apartment isn't just an intervention, it's a party. What? Drama! Aah! Can l touch your tatas? (_Rico wants to die on the spot_)

**Marlene **(_is thrilled_): Get in there!  
**Roger: **Ah! l feel like l've known you so long.  
**Marlene: **Ah! Oh, my God. l already miss you.  
**Roger: **l'm gonna get you accessories.  
**Marlene **(_all a smile_): Get out of here, you.  
**Roger: **See you soon. (_blows her a kiss_)  
**Rico **(_a hand over his face_): Gay enough for you, Marlene?

**Roger **(_dancing in front of a three-way mirror_): Marlene, come dance in front of this mirror with me!  
**Marlene: **He's the gay of my dreams.

_Later that day outside Alice's diner Rico and Julian are having lunch. _  
**Julian: **ls the bossy one still meeting us?

**Rico: **l don't know. l haven't seen him since he went to have that conversation with Andrea two days ago.  
_A convertible car driven by Andrea pulls over. In the passenger seat is Skipper with a fedora on his head. Before he can climb down, Andrea kisses him. _  
**Rico: **What is he wearing on his head?

**Andrea: **Bye, Mumu. (_giggles_)  
**Skipper: **Au revoir, doodlebug. (_Andrea drives away_) Guys, l'm in serious trouble.  
**Julian: **Aww, what happened, Mumu?

**Skipper **(_throws the fedora off his head_): l went to have the conversation, but before l could say anything, she launched into this whole thing about how great it is to finally meet a good guy. And about how her last boyfriend stole from her dad and had sex with her cousins. So l couldn't do it.  
**Rico: **You're missing the point. She's got a rich dad and cousins who put out.

**Julian: **Told you, my friend. Conversation's hard.  
**Skipper: **Guys, l've been out of the game too long. What do l do?

**Julian: **First, stop calling it the game.  
**Rico: **I think you should go with the peter out.  
**Julian: **Ooh, l love the peter out.  
**Rico: **Stop calling her regularly. Change your plans at the last second. Never go out with her on a weekend night.  
**Julian: **ln a couple of days, things will just peter out. No conversation. (_Skipper's looking from one to the other lost)_  
**Rico: **When's the next time you're seeing her?

**Skipper: **Saturday night.  
**Rico: **Perfect. Text her. Change it to Wednesday. The least sexy night of the week.

**Julian: **I don't know, my friend. Tuesday is pretty on the non sexy side.

**Rico: **I hear ya, but Wednesday is so much more…

**Skipper: **Men!

**Julian: **Wednesday's cool.

**Rico: **Go with Wednesday.

_Wednesday night, Skipper and Andrea are walking in a restaurant. _  
**Andrea**: l was surprised you decided to switch plans to tonight. l didn't know we were quite there yet.  
**Skipper: **My Saturdays are getting kind of booked. But wait…Where yet?

_Andrea points to a part of the restaurant where apparently all her relatives are under a "Happy Birthday" banner. Skipper is stunned. _

**Skipper: ** It's your birthday.  
**Andrea **(excitedly): Everybody, everybody. This is Skipper. (_everybody says Hi to Skipper_) Skipper, this is my grandma Nellie.  
**Skipper: **Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. (_Grandma Nellie boops his nose. Skipper fake laughs, but his eye starts to twitch_) l'm gonna get a Scotch. You want a Scotch?


	2. Chapter 2

_At Private's apartment, Kowalski's fiddling with some stuff. Private enters dressed from his training. _

**Private: **Kowalski, what are you doing here?

**Kowalski: **You never got back to me on who you liked, so l picked the 10 best roommate candidates and invited them over for a little open house.  
**Private: **What, when?

**Kowalski: **Right now.  
**Private **(_alarmed_): Right now?

**Kowalski: **Yep. l'm gonna finish getting ready. You should probably shower, change. You know, wear whatever you like. But l laid out a suggestion on your bed. So wear that. 

_At the HQ Skipper, Rico and Julian are talking. Rico is having cereal. _

**Rico: **It was her birthday?

**Skipper**(_again pacing in front of them_)**: **Yeah. Apparently she told me while we were having sex the other night. l thought she was telling me to do her like it was her birthday next Wednesday.  
**Julian: **You're in serious trouble.  
**Skipper: **l need a little help here, please.  
**Rico: **You're fine. l mean, you didn't go home with her, did you? (_Skipper gives him a defeated look that means yes_) No, man. Birthday sex?

**Skipper: **The petering out is not working. And apparently, l petered in. Two and a half times.  
**Julian: **What's the half?

**Skipper: **l don't know. She said it was a French thing.  
**Rico: **Don't panic. Just gotta crank it up a notch. Make this chick realize you are not boyfriend material.  
**Skipper: **l am awesome boyfriend material, okay? l like long walks through the park.  
l like puddles. Jumping in and jumping out. I like cuddling and sharing snow cones. l'm in trouble.  
**Julian: **Relax. You're not in trouble. Do what l say. By the end of one horrible date, she'll break up. You just gotta show her that you're unreliable and cheap and weird.  
**Skipper: **You mean, that I'm you?  
**Julian: **Ha, ha. Funny.

_Outside in the city Andrea is waiting for Skipper. He finally appears. _  
**Skipper: **l know. l know. l'm so late. See, l don't own a watch because what is time anyway but a man-made shackle?

**Andrea: **That is almost literally my high school yearbook quote verbatim. l hate rushing places. Soul mates! (_Skipper fake laughs_) 

_At Private's apartment. The house is full with roommate candidates (that look a lot like Kowalski). Rico and Julian are there for the free food. _

**Kowalski **(_comes over with a professionally dressed blonde guy_): Private, this is Charles. He's from New Jersey. He works in finance, and he's a volunteer for NPR.  
**Private: **You're from New Jersey? That is totally the best Real Housewives.  
**Charles: **Oh, l don't own a TV.  
**Private **(_confused_): What do you do at night?

**Charles: **l journal.  
**Private: **All night?

**Rico: **I feel like all these guys look like Kowalski.  
**Julian: **Yeah. It's like they took the roof off a Ralph Lauren store and emptied it into this apartment.  
**Rico: **What's Ralph Lauren?

**Julian: **A designer… Are you sure you're gay?

**Rico: **Are you sure you're not gay?

_Marlene and Roger enter. _

**Marlene: **Hey, losers. Roger and l just came from three separate farmer's markets.  
**Roger: **Announcement! Heirloom tomatoes are the new beets. What? D-R-A-M-A.  
**Roger and Marlene**: Drama!  
**Roger: **Right there. (_he high-fives Julian, who looks out of the loop_) For veggies. (_walks away_)  
**Julian: **Do l know that guy?

**Marlene: **Oh, that's my new BFF, Roger.  
**Roger **(_calling from another part of the apartment_): Marlene! Come here and help me mock this couch.  
**Marlene: **lsn't he amazing?

**Rico: **l'm very happy for you, Kathy Griffin. (_Marlene scuttles off to Roger_)  
**Julian: **Who's Kathy Griffin?

**Rico: **Okay, so you're not gay. 

_At Darla's Skipper and Andrea just finished lunch. _

**Skipper: **Yeah, l don't have any cash. And the bank just called, a.k.a. my parents. And apparently l maxed out my credit card breeding boa constrictors. So…

**Andrea: **Okay, stop right there. (_poking his chest and sporting the biggest smile ever_) l love that you can admit that. l'm happy to pay. Let me take care of you Skipper.  
**Skipper **(_smiling but wanting to cry inside_): Okay. Of course you'd wanna do that. That's great. 

_Back at Private's apartment the open house is still going on. Rico, Julian, Marlene and Roger are sitting on the couch and around chatting. _

**Marlene: **Okay, so l have the best story. This is insanity. We're at Ungo having brunch… **Roger: **Oh, my God. Snore. Cheesecake, have you ever told a story? l'll take it from here.  
Cut to: Cute waiter walks up. And Little Miss Push-up Bra is so eager to flirt. That she spits up her scrambled eggs on his pants. What? l'm like, ''Say it, don't spray it you clumsy airhead" (_he falls on his back laughing and takes the opportunity to do a high-kick_) .  
**Julian **(_laughing_)**: **Your head is airy!.  
**Rico: **You are an airhead. (_Roger stands up and walks away still laughing_)  
**Julian: **You're right, Marlene. He is amazing.  
**Marlene **(_trying to hide her anger_): Yeah, yeah. He's hilarious.  
**Kowalski: **Private, this is Tom. He summitted Mt. Kilimanjaro last year. They call it Kili, right? (_he and Tom laugh at their lame inner joke_) And he makes hammocks. So you guys have a lot in common.  
**Private: **l'm sorry, Tom. You seem great. Really. But l've already found a roommate.  
**Tom: **Oh! Okay.  
**Kowalski: **Eek. Sorry. (_Tom walks away_) So? Who did we choose?

**Private: **My first choice. Sam with the red hair?

**Kowalski: **l don't understand. l introduced you to ten other people who would make better roommates.  
**Private: **Yeah, for you, okay? But l want someone cool. l don't care if they look ''good on paper'' or have ''great references'' or climb ''Mt. Kilimanjuju''.

_At Darla's Skipper is on the phone with Rico while waiting for Andrea to return from the restroom. _

**Skipper: **Rico, nothing is working. l think this crazy chick is falling in love with me. l do not wanna crush her. Being that l have recently been crushed. It is not fun. What do l do? **Rico: **This is what you do. Before she gets back from the bathroom, get down on your knees and pray to God that the restaurant explodes.  
**Skipper: **Act of God? Really, man? That's the best you've got? Why don't you come down here yourself and make it explode. (_right at this moment Andrea comes running from the bathroom talking on her own phone…more like screaming in excitement in her own phone_)

**Andrea: ** Oh, my God! l got the job! l'm gonna be a backup dancer for Kesha's European tour! l leave Thursday! Oh, my God!

**Skipper **(_to Rico_): Man, the restaurant just exploded. (_hangs up_)  
**Andrea **(_with a sad face_): Oh, God. What's gonna happen to us?

**Skipper **(_starts leading her outside_)**: **Oh, you can't think about us. No, no. You just gotta do you, you know? You can't separate the dancer from the dance.  
**Andrea **(_overwhelmed by his kindness_): Oh, my God. You are amazing, Mumu. (_she stops in the middle of the sidewalk_) This has been the best date l ever… (_a bike messenger hits her taking her down_)

**Skipper: **Andrea? Are you okay?

**Andrea : **It's Andrea.  
**Skipper: **Right. Andrea, are you okay?

_In the HQ Skipper, Rico, Marlene, Julian and Roger are sitting around the table. Skipper is looking really down in the dumps. _

**Julian: **She got hit by a bike messenger?

**Skipper: **Of course she did.  
**Roger: **Shut up! l got hit by a cop on a Segway last Halloween.. l was wearing nothing but dolphin shorts and a feather green boa. l tried to steal his hat. Cut to: Weekend in Cabo. Then he went back to his ''dumb wife'' because l'm fat.  
**Marlene: **Skipper, let me know if there's anything l can do to help, like maybe l could call her.  
**Roger **(_pushes her out of the way_)**: **Marly, please. This is not about you, okay? Skipper, what you need, right, are new pants, about fourteen diet pills (_Skipper glares about to give his "It's all muscle" comeback but doesn't get the chance_) and a night out at a Russian foam club with moi, okay?

**Marlene: **Yeah, he literally needs none of those things.  
**Roger **(_pushes the top of her head like an off button_): Right, and there and off.  
**Julian: **Look at the bright side, my friend. You're out. She's going to Europe on Thursday, right?

**Skipper: **No. She's not. You can't dance with a broken femur.  
**Julian: **Agree to disagree.  
**Skipper: **And because she's gonna be in a cast for the next eight weeks and because she lives in a 6-story walkup and l feel so bad about what happened that…(_Rico's nodding all throughout his little speech understanding where he's going up to where he's interrupted by the door buzzer_)

**Rico **(_with a smirk_): She's moving in, isn't she?

**Skipper: **Yeah.  
**Roger **(_belting it like a Broadway showtune_): Drama!

_At Private's apartment Sam is unpacking his stuff while Private is watching. _

**Private: **l'm so glad that we're roommates. l guarantee you none of Kowalski's nerdy choices would've ever gotten me this awesome T-shirt.  
**Sam: **You look hot. Hey, do you mind if l get another DSL line installed and maybe black out a couple of these windows?

**Private: **Sure. I… guess. (_Sam walks into the other room and Private's phone rings_) Oh.  
Hi, Kowalski. If you're wondering how my new roommate is, he's brilliant.  
**Kowalski **(_he's outside the apartment door_)**: **I just called to say that I'm glad it all worked out for you and I really like that shirt on you.  
**Private: **Thanks, Sam… Wait. How do you know what l'm wearing? (_Kowalski walks in_)

**Kowalski: **Your awesome Sam makes a living by moving in with cute guys, setting up web cams and charging people to watch. (_shows Private a live feed from the apartment on his phone_)  
**Private: **Oh, my God. That's why he wanted to eat popsicles and have a cream cheese fight yesterday.  
**Kowalski: **Oh, yeah. That's a popular one.  
**Private: **Wait. How did you find this?

**-FLASHBACK-**

_Kowalski and Blowhole's apartment. Blowhole is watching the live feed while Kowalski comes up behind him. _

_**Kowalski **__(shocked): Oh, my God._  
_**Blowhole: **__l know._  
_**Kowalski: **__Wait._ _How did you find this?_

_**Blowhole: **__Uh, just a pop-up on another thing l was looking at._  
_**Kowalski: **__What other thing?_

_**Blowhole: **__Uh, a cookingblogsports._

**-FLASHBACK-**

**Private: **Go ahead, Kowalski. Tell me how I messed up.

**Kowalski **(_sighs_): I don't need to do that. I mean, I could…but I'm not going to. The truth is, you think with your gut. You learned from the best. I wish I was more like that. I mean, your gut's what told you to open your store. I woulda never been able to do that. My gut would have said something like "Kowalski, opening a small niche clothing boutique in a recession is basically like throwing money in a river. Of fire. Stop being so stupid. P.S. focus more on your offense when you train." If guts could talk, that is.

**Private: **This is so crazy. l mean, l thought Sam was a cool guy, you know. ls there any way that this is a mistake? (_Sam comes back in the room_)

**Sam: **Hey, great, your friend's here. Do you guys wanna have a pillow fight or wrestle together?

**Kowalski **(_calmly_): Do you want me to handle this?

**Private **(_just as calmly_): No. I think we should do this together. 

_At the HQ Marlene, Rico and Julian are watching the live feed of Private and Kowalski "cleaning house" _

**Rico: **Oh! Nice move!

**Julian: **Go, Private.  
**Marlene: **Cute shirt. So this just popped up on the computer? (_Skipper walks in_) Hey, Skipper. How's it going?

**Skipper: **It's going great, Marlene. I've got a crazy girl and a douche bird living with me thanks to these two knuckleheads. You geniuses got any more advice for me?

**Julian: **Nothing. You got a serious girlfriend now.  
**Marlene **(_checking her texts_): Roger wants to go to another brunch. It's like how many egg-white frittatas can a person eat?

**Rico **(_in a small voice_): Six in one sitting.  
**Julian: **But l thought you loved Roger.  
**Marlene: **l do. (_sighs_) No, you know what, l don't. Okay, l thought that l wanted this offensively stereotypical gay guy, but it's too much. l feel like it messes with the group dynamic.  
**Rico: **It does, Marlene. Because our group already has an offensively stereotypical gay guy. 

**-FLASHBACK-**

_ runs excitedly in. _

_**Marlene: **__Front-row tickets to Gaga, losers!_

_2.__**Marlene: **__My disgusting manicurist is, like, literally trying to kill me._  
_3.__**Marlene **__(slapping Private's butt): Look who's looking mighty fine today._ _(Private walks away looking scared) _

**-FLASHBACK-**

**Rico: **You don't need a gay husband. (_takes her hand_) 'Cause you're my gay husband.  
**Marlene: **Aw. l don't really understand how that works. But it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.  
**Rico **(_whispers_): You're welcome.  
**Julian: **But what about Roger? He was going to help me find the best jeans for my body type. (_Rico gives him a look_) What?

**Marlene: **I gotta break up with him. (_picks up her phone_)  
**Rico: **Move your plans to Wednesday.  
**Julian: **Peter out.  
**Rico: **Least sexual night of the…

**Marlene: **Hey! Roger. It's me. Listen, l don't think we should be friends anymore… I understand, but it's for the best. Goodbye.  
**Skipper: **Wow. The conversation really works.  
**Marlene: **Yeah, Skipper, it does.  
**Skipper: **You know what? This ends today.  
**Julian: **Drama!

_Skipper moves to where Andrea is reading with earbuds in her ears. _

**Skipper: **Hi. (_waves to attract her attention. She pulls the earbuds out_) Andrea.  
**Andrea: **Andrea.  
**Skipper: **That's what I… Never mind. Listen, um, we need to have a conversation.  
**Andrea: **What's up? (_her phone rings_) Hi, mom. What? Oh, my God. No!

_At a church a funeral is taking place, the funeral of Andrea's grandmother Nellie, to be more exact. At the dais, Andrea is holding an eulogy supported by Skipper. _

**Andrea: **Meemaw Nellie was such a kind soul. She always carried butterscotch candies around for the grandkids. (_she starts crying_)  
**Skipper **(_whispering and rubbing her back_): I know. I know. You can do this. (_Andrea pushes the paper with her speech in his hand_) No, you can… you can do it. Okay. (_to the congregation)_ Uh I remember one day when l was a little girl in my favorite polka dot dress… You know what, I can't do this. Andrea, l'm sorry, but one minute you're booping me on the nose, and the next thing l know, I'm giving the eulogy at your grandma's funeral. I don't know. I tried to peter it out, but every time I tried to get away, you'd just pull me back in.  
**Andrea: **Are you kidding? l pulled you in? All l wanted was a fun hookup. But then you called me 20 minutes after you left my place. And yesterday, you basically asked me to move in after a week and a half.  
**Skipper **(_embarrassed_): l don't think this is the place to talk about this kind of thing.  
**Andrea: **I went along with it because l didn't wanna have the conversation.  
**Skipper: **The conversation sucks.  
**Andrea: **It blows. Listen, Skipper, you're a really nice guy, okay? But l think we should see other people.  
**Skipper: **Okay, well. I'm out of here. (_heads out. On his way boops the nose of grandma Nellie's portrait_) 

_In Private's apartment Kowalski and Private are getting rid of the cameras Sam installed. _  
**Private: **Hopefully this is the last of them. Why would he put a camera on the bottom shelf of the fridge anyway?

**Kowalski: **I don't know. People are into some weird stuff.  
**Private: **Oh, gross. I made, like, three stir fries last week.  
**Kowalski: **Man, when your gut's wrong, it's really wrong.  
**Private: **At least it all worked out.  
**Kowalski: **I wouldn't go so far. (_Private hands him a paper slip_) Eight thousand dollars? **Private: **Turns out last week when l was on , (_singsongy_) l got the most hits ever.  
**Kowalski: **Wow. That's real money Okay. Put this thing back in the fridge. (_hands Private the camera_) Take your shirt off, and let's make a salad.  
**Private: **What?


End file.
